Almost over!

4 days. (not counting weekend) 4 whole whoppin days till school is out. I cant wait!!! I have no plans for the summer so you would think I wouldnt be excited. But holy cow Im ready for sleeping past 6am. Im ready to not beg kids to get out of bed. Im also ready for refresh time. I am sure the kids are too. My weeks will get a little busier, but most of it in the evenings so Im ok with that.
Papa Bear still looking for better job, Mr. B is still trying to move up the ladder in CAP. And Im waiting to order his new rack of ribbons because he should be getting another one soon and I REFUSE to buy a new set in a week or 2.
Papa Bear and I ... are slowly coming together. Its been hard. And for those of you who have been there, hang in!! i understand. Im still having some melt downs because...well Im not one that trusts easy so I question everything. And Im trying to let go, but it is easier said than done. And well, I know it all wont happen overnight. I feel short tempered all the time and it is even making me crazy!
 Right now Im just trying to get this house completely cleaned and in order before kids are home again full time. Easiest way to get rid of things are when they are not here :)
I am still coughing my head off. Over 2 weeks of this crud and Im sick of it. Cottonwood.. I hate this tree. Every year we all get horrible allergies over it. Mr B even called from school yesterday because it was causing him to have a horrible headache.  My coughing is better, (because its not constant) but still doing it often enough that its choking me up! blech. Ok off to continue to clean this mess! (and getting laundry changed out on the line)

Changes..better

In the past couple week, there have been many changes in the bear house. We actually have communication back up and running again. Its been a really long now almost 8 months. But it looks like things are finally coming together. Papa Bear and I have many heart to hearts. Hes being strong during my weakness. Holding me tight when I want to run. And becoming the rock he used to be. Its still hard for me to trust this will continue, but life without him...I just dont think I could. The small bears in the house are learning as well. We have had some long conversations about being a family as well as a team. And while I am sure it will be a struggle there for awhile.. I am sure it will even out too. Papa bear has taken responsibility for the finances that went wrong. And has picked up a 2nd job to try to fix the debts. Its a huge step for him. And it is showing me he wants to work on the things that went wrong. 13 years of marriage is hard to throw away. But sometimes like he said a kick in the arse every now and then to remind whats important is sometimes necessary. So thats what we will be doing. We are working at so many things at the same time that you do get overwhelmed. Right now in our relationship its communication. Trying to find each other again. Finances.. its taking on more jobs and paying the stuff that got behind to catch it up. With the kids. Its reestablishing the line of authority, but also the team. Papa Bear has taken a active roll in being a dad more now than ever. Playing catch, basketball, even going to the school for functions while I work(which I dont think hes ever done alone) He is also being consistent..Which was a huge hurdle. And I think he finally realized how it was undermining me and disrespecting me when he went behind my back with the kids and let them do things I took away. And hes also come to realize...Nothing is easy. It takes work. And I think that now we can mend. And for that I am grateful.

One foot in front of the other..

Everyday is a struggle. Im so tired that I dont seem to function. I think its more of a emotional tired. And add on I still cant seem to sleep through the night. Menu wasnt planned this week so Im winging it. Theres plenty of food. Just have to find the energy to fix it. Tonight was pork chops. Found a marinade at Aldi that we tried and YUM. I will be buying more lol. Some days are better than others. I just have to find me again and then it will all be well.
I also realized that on Friday it will be our 13 year wedding anniversary. And once again we are probably not doing anything. Normally I wouldnt be so bitter, but after this past year, Im hitting a point Im sick of not celebrating. And it makes me hate them even more. Every holiday or special day that goes by I get more and more irritated. I hate always planning everything to try to make it special to have it blow up in my face because Im mad about doing it all and wishing that someone else cared enough to plan something as well. I normally laugh it off with the I dont care attitude but damnit I do care. 13 years... and lets remember it come thursday night and try to throw something together just showing me how unimportant it is..
Ok I swear I normally dont bitch so much as I have the past months...But heck Im just worn out. Im begging for life to get better...

Waiting on tax money!!

I will admit I AM NOT the most patient person in the world....And since I have waited what seems like forever Im ready to crawl out of my skin. I want a reliable vehicle that I LIKE(ok so as everyone tells me the truck is not bad I JUST DONT LIKE IT) And last year we had to use the tax money to put a new heat and air system in the house(when I WAS going to get me a car I liked....) And I had waited for 6 months when that went out so I knew for the next 6 I wasnt getting the car I sooo hoped for. Now a year later its almost in my grasp. We should have it next week, and IMMEDIATELY I am going car shopping. All the kids cant wait either. I pick up what I like to call the Jr High crew most days after school and climbing in my extended cab truck has been a PITA. Fitting 3 teens(preteen and teens whatever) into a truck shouldnt be hard...But it is. They have to squeeze in and its a pain. They cant wait till I have a mini van they can just hop in. Needless to say I cant wait to have one either lol. I will be able to fit more people in and if I have longer trips to do then it will be roomy enough that it will be a more comfy ride for all involved. PLUS I CANT WAIT for cloth seats...My truck has vinyl seats....Yup you guessed it.. In the winter your butt freezes within a second of sitting.. And in the summer you get blisters on your arse and legs lol. I will NEVER buy anything leather or vinyl seated EVER again. 

My kids are ready for A/C that works and heat that heats faster than in 15 minutes lol. My truck has a temper, its like me.. LOATHES the cold. so when its super cold it fights to start. lol Im ready for those days to be over. 

Ok so enough about my vehicle complaints. Im just READY for a mini van (soccer mom status here I come)

On another note my joker bear and I have been talking again. I miss the fire out of him and the way he can make me forget my problems. SO its been nice to have him making me laugh again. Hes like my left arm.Hard to live without)  Papa Bear(my right arm) and I are talking more again as well. I can only stop and let a lot of things go in hopes of finding the peace again. The lil bear is sick and Mr B...well Mr B is doing a lil better. Its been a eventful week of emotions for me. Im finally letting my wall down and starting to smile more. During my awake moments. I have also been working overnights so sleeping all day. Had to rearrange doc appt etc for lil bear cuz I realized theres no way I can drive him all the way to the doctors office on 2 hours of sleep. But then had to make a appt for the dentist for him this week so that Papa Bear can take him. Lil Bears spacer is giving him trouble again. And so his mouth is swelling. If its not one thing its another ya know.

Off to find the house under the mess(I hope) or fall asleep(more likely) 

Menu for 1/21-2/3 (and then some updates on life)

The next 2 weeks will show some repeats listed from the last one(these are the extras that didnt get made during that time) Crossed out means of course already made and devoured lol and like always its just a list. Not a day by day because there may be lots of days I want easy to cook. I will also be working overnight a lot during the next 2 weeks (found out after menu made and shopped for sigh..) so its going to be fun making some of these lol.
1.Pulled Pork Sandwiches pasta salad
2. Loaded potatoes with leftover pork on top
3. Smothered steak rice brown gravy
4. Chicken and Dumplings
5. Turkey Casserole 
6. Chicken strips and Fries
7 Chicken Alfredo
8. Corndog muffins
9.Hamburger helper
10. Nachos
11. Taco Salad
12. Hot dogs, mac and cheese(these are tonight)
13.Frito Chili Pie
14. Brekkie (probably homemade waffles and sausage)
15.Hamburgers


Now most of the beginning is the extras that was written on the last menu. I actually made it right under budget this time. Would have been a lil more under but had to get some non food items as well, which I do count in my budget because well..its at the store. I did not put all the sides down next to each main meal. Its a variety of corn, green beans, peas,pastas, potatoes.. Whatever I feel like adding that day. I really dont like hamburger helper but its cheap so gonna go with it. Hot dogs tonight because of gymnastics and having limited time. Today I am also baking brown sugar cinnamon muffins for easy grab snacks or brekkies. If I have time I might bake some other stuff but we will see.

Since I hate doing multiple posts in a day...Heres the updates of our crazy life as well...
Mr B finally dug his head out and decided to tell us whats going on with him. And now realizes all hes pulled lately just hurt him more than anything. Hes dealing with bullies and well its affecting him in many different ways. Instead of standing up for himself or even finding a adult to help he started acting out and failing school. Since my kids were homeschooled for a while they know how to deal with people who are accepting. And well most the kids in this public school are just assholes. After a very long discussion and realizing almost EVERYONE hated or hates 7th grade he feels a lil better. But hes being called names on a daily basis and its worn on him. Sad thing is...this is soooo common the teachers etc dont even see or hear the crap anymore. Obviously numerous young kids committing suicide hasnt made people think different. And so now Im watching my kids even closer. My oldest expressed the fact he hates life right now because hes tired of being called names and tripped walking to his desk etc. Its pathetic and Im pissed. And right now trying to figure out how to fix this. I want to go smack the bully kids parents. For the fact they are raising kids who live to make others miserable.
I do hope sharing some of our experiences with Mr B helped. Let him understand everyone goes through this and to realize he is a good kid who has a future outside of jail unlike some of his peers. Sigh...

Ok Im off to start baking!! Then starting tomorrow sleeping during daylight hours and working in the middle of the night...Hate it but money is money right??

Respect

Respect...Something we all want to have. But seems to also be a thing of the past. You go into a store...You will find that it seems only the door greater and the cashier are decent(not everytime) You see the customers who only care about themselves. Running you over, not caring kids are there. Or you see kids that are HORRIBLE to everyone around them.

Can I say my kids are a exception?..Or am I one?? No.. When I go to a store I do get frustrated with others.I try to be mindful and yet others are rude. Which it turn..I get rude. My kids...Now for the most part with others they are very respectful We get told this all the time. With us.. Wow.. almost never. This is a issue we are trying to nip in the bud. And quickly. Mr B hasnt been very nice at all. And has stated he doesnt have to be respectful to me. So now its lesson time.. 

(Everyone disciplines differently and I love to hear your ideas lol)

My lovely Mr.B...ahhhh the kid who can warm your heart and then break it right after. Since returning from boot camp..Lets just say he seems to think I dont matter. What I say what I do...And the fact Im just the stupid mom I dont deserve....RESPECT.....Im not a officer so using the yes mam term does not apply to me...ahhh did this boy have it very very wrong. You see. Life bit him in the butt. And bit him hard. I was mad which is a understatement. And found though..hmmm I have the upperhand. I am the driver to where he needs to go. And he had a meeting last night. Guess who wasnt driving? that is right..Me. Using the old saying Dont bite the hand that feeds you rang good and true. He had no ride. And since I pay the phone bill he couldnt use it to find a ride. He missed his meeting, And I called his commander to let him know that and why. And he then had to go to work with me(explain this is a sec)

Papa Bear was not happy at all with Mr Bs decision. (Thats putting it lightly) So he added to the punishment. Missing one meeting isnt going to make a point with its multiple infractions is it? Since Mr B also seems to think I do nothing in this house(yes dishes laundry etc are done by faeries) He is now gaining a appreciation for all I do on a daily basis. He knows it is not womens work because even papa does laundry and dishes. Part of this is my fault because I do not make them do much around here. I really wanted them to just be kids. But I do expect help in the chores. It takes a matter of minutes when we all get to it. Normally while they are at school I get the laundry washed and dishes done etc. But right now I am getting a break. Mr B is finding out laundry doesnt come clean on its own and dishes dont wash themselves either. As for the going to work with me....

I work to pay for the kids activities. I work a very small PT job 5 nights a week. And Mr B is now going to be helping me at least twice a week to work for his activities. Lil Bear has been helping me for the past 2 years. Mr B is learning(a lil late on my part) to work for what he wants. He also has to ask me to drive him where he needs to go. It is no longer assumed that I am available as his driver. He must ask in advance(even though I KNOW he has a meeting the same time and day every week) 

Does this sound horrible???  Nahhhhh Life isnt always pleasant. And for my lil cadet...hes learning this. And when he grows up, gets married. His wife will thank us that he knows how to operate a washing machine and washes dishes. He will also appreciate her much more. Because he will KNOW she worked hard. And to me.. that will be worth the stress of these days. 

Let the healing begin

The peace in this house needs to be restored. Its been in a uproar for far too long. Plus with so much hope for changes. Can not change anything until I just give in. So Im letting go of the mad.. Papa and I have always had a ok relationship. At times it was a lil rocky but for the most part its been pretty good. And for a couple years it was great(yes we all have our hills) I gave up months ago and that wasnt going to fix anything. If anything it was making it worse. Now as far as how Im letting it go.. I just am. Its to a point that I sat and thought a lot this weekend, and figured that if I didnt give in, life was going to stay at that stressful I hate everything spot. I had to think of the little things. Papa doesnt know how to express things through words. Never has. But through some actions he does. And I do see where there are times where he was trying and I was just too mad to care. And that wasnt fair to him. I realized he needed credit for trying.

Honestly...For a lot in life there are a lot of us that need to just let go. Im a fighter. Its my scorpio nature (excuses suuure..but true) I can hold a grudge for so long the grudge will still be there and I wont even know the exact reason why I got mad in the first place. I love with a passion. I hate with a vengeance. I like you or I dont. That is not to say my world is black and white. Its not.. Just my feelings are. But I cant hold all this. The pain I have felt over the past 6 months has been awful. And I held it. I held it tight like a shield. And it brought more pain. I took offence to everything. because I was afraid. It actually sucks to put it out there that I was afraid. Most people think I am never afraid. Im the strong one, the fixer....And In the past 6 months I havent been strong, nor have I tried to fix anything. I wasnt giving it a chance. 

For everything else.. I miss my joker bear but that stopped hurting. I realized where I stand on that. And thats ok. Theres not much friendship left in it either. Maybe someday I will have that balance again. Just not with the joker. Sucks but not everyone can handle life this way. And once again thats fine. Everyone is entitled to their own feelings. Im sure as time goes on joker and I will talk less and less(not that much now) when its finally nothing. Sad because I have known joker since I was 14..And well I hate to lose lol. But its a battle I already lost.

The kids have so much going on I havent had much time to think. And I realize here in a couple months its going to get even busier so Im gonna enjoy this part now before it gets REALLY insane. A new vehicle is in the plans which will make all of this a LOT easier. Need to get some work done on our car. And we are really hoping for new job opportunities in the near future. Time to let go of that negative crap that I didnt want to start this new year with and get to working on the positive :D 

Enjoy you day!!!