9th Grade...
Uggg I hated moving. Moving was something I should have been used to but I actually spent many years in the same school by this time. (just kept moving within the lil town) But it was time to move again. But this time, it was to another city. And not a small one like I was moving from. It was a lot bigger..So at the beginning of the 2nd 9 weeks of my 9th grade year, we packed up again and moved. I hated the house, hated the city, hated everything(and believe me in my sullen attitude at the time.. I made sure EVEERYYOONNEE knew it) Enrolling in a new school was not my idea of fun. Especially going from a 2 hallway school, to a school that seemed larger than life. So on my very first day, I am shown where each of my classes are, I jack around getting a girl to show me over and over and over again. And finally by 3rd hour... Im going to a class(and already in trouble for the jacking around) And 3rd hour just happens to be my favorite subject...NOT... Math.. And this guy walks up to me and rather crappy asks me who I am and where I came from. And me rather crappy back gives my name and adds who the F are you? lol. My first 30 min in a class Im already starting a argument...Now move on to 4th(which happens to be band) and this guy is in there as well...And another guy lookin at me that was hanging with THAT GUY(and that guy will be referred to as joker bear for the duration of this story) So as Im wondering why joker bears friend is checking me out.. Im not to happy about a band teacher from hell.. And well like any normal teen, I do not pay attention.. As the first day wears on, joker bear actually ends up in another class with me. And his friend is always close by at other times. I found I could follow this joker bear and make it to most of my classes without getting lost :D I honestly cant remember how much longer it was when joker bear and I started dating.. And that friend.. well that was my friendly bear(who turns into another bear later) During the rest of our 9th grade year, I joined their garage punk band where they taught me to play bass guitar(and umm I always sucked lol) We hung out all the time. Where there was one.. there was at least 3(sometimes 4 when brother bear was around...that was friendly bears brother) I cant remember when I realized I adored both my joker bear and my friendly bear. And didnt know what I would do if I didnt have them both. Joker bear made me laugh when I didnt want to cry..And Friendly bear..he was my shoulder when I did want to cry. With my rough homelife and horrible childhood.. These 2 bears were my sanity. I found real friends in this city I hated...
10th Grade....
Summer passed and here I was moving to 10th grade in yet another school..This time is was just high school. And well I still had my joker bear and friendly bear. We spent the summer hanging out, working(yes we all worked together) and playing in our lil garage punk band.Also did a lot of drinking. (yeah I admit it) Joker bear and I had our problems. Friendly bear and I talked all the time. I still loved joker. I loved friendly..And well.. I think we had a relationship no one understood but lots envied. We were a team. We made it through 10th grade with minimal problems. Joker bear and I broke up because he wanted..well he wanted to try out a gal pal of mine...And believe me it hurt. We got back together. And well things were the same. Joker kept me laughing when the family stuff overwhelmed me. Friendly held me when I hurt. Home was rough for me so when I could get out of confinement ...I was with them. I really think they held me together when I was falling apart. I envied the life they had. And pretended a lot to be parts of both their families. I was their unstable friend. The cutter. The one on medication. The one whose mom beat her.. And when I was with them and either of their families.. I think it was the only time I relaxed. By the time summer hit signaling the end of 10th grade, I was getting sick of being at home and spent more time out than in. I was dreading the summer..Thankfully it seemed to pass quickly.. I spent as much time with Friendly and Joker as I could. Working. Went and got my first tattoo(at 16 years old) that joker was MAD about.. Because the tattoo guy had to touch my boob LOL. And well little did I know 11th grade would come so soon..and my life would change.....
11th grade....
It started ok...Within a couple months, friendships were strained, Joker and I were arguing all the time. Friendly was picking up the pieces.. Joker and I would make up. Friendly took me to get my drivers license. I was so mad at myself for loving 2 guys..confused.... And my homelife was about to get a lot worse... Th week before Christmas my siblings and I were called into a so called family meeting....When we were asked what we thought of our oldest sibling moving back home...He was kicked out when I was 12 years old for rape and molestation of myself and 2 sisters...And believe me we did not want him there. I was the angry one. Always the angry one. so plate hit the ground and I went to screaming. And I said if he moves in I move out...And on Christmas Eve..Hes living back in the house... By the time we were back in school after that break I was a wreck. I started fighting with Joker and Friendly. I was the meanest I had ever been. Joker didnt want to hear it. He was ready for me to be gone so he could try out someone different. Friendly wouldnt let me go. And well...Friendly and I ended up together...For a month or 2. I started every fight. I knew I was leaving. I knew I couldnt stay here and the only way to do it was to piss everyone off at me and run away. I started taking a lot of pills. Pretty much anything I could get my hands on. One way or another I was either killing myself or making it where I couldnt feel at all. And before the end of March.. Dropped out of school..I said goodbye..Got in my car with someone who didnt give a crap about me...and was gone....
12th grade....On the run
Now I wish I could say I was here for this.. I wasnt...You see when I jumped into that car of mine I was 17 years old. And at that time my parents decided to put out a stolen vehicle report to find me. Well they found me a few days later in Missouri. But did not get to keep me. The officer listened in on the phone call and found that the report was only made to find me and that I was going to be beat when they got me back. The conversation wasnt a nice one. And as soon as we hung up...The officer told us to go. For the next couple weeks we walked and walk. Sometimes got people to give us rides. I was so sick. Ready to give up. When a officer in Kentucky saw us walking around 2am..he picked us up and hauled us in for being out after curfew( yeah saying we were not from there didnt work lol) So spent a bit in a juvie center before they flew me back to here. Have no idea where the person I was with was at. He came a few hours after me. I dont remember being on the planes at all. But I wasnt home for 24 hours when I walked out the door..And that would be the last time for the next few years I would see this state. Because a couple days later I was sitting in jail. My partner liked to steal cars. And well dummy me got in. And busted. For the next 3 and a half years, I was stuck. Well and truly stuck. I was convicted of stealing cars. I was bitter and angry. I couldnt believe I was just put in prison for being in a passenger seat. But guilty I was because I KNEW it was stolen. And while he would spend the next 4 years getting out and coming back. I spent 3 and a half years stuck in hell. Alone...
Prison.. Not for the weak
For the next 3 and a half years, I grew as a person. I got counseling to overcome the rapes and molestation I endured when I was younger. I wasn't bitter anymore. I got my GED. It took me a year and a half to get over the anger and start working with the program instead of against it. I actually was proud of myself. I wont say that time was a party, because it wasn't. It was hell. I was miserable. I hated that I was stuck somewhere by being a follower. But.. I had to honestly GET OVER IT. Own up. And grow up.
HOME AGAIN
I came home a couple months before I turned 21. Called Friendly Bear as soon as I got back to Oklahoma. He was not home. So I worried through the night that I may have lost my best friend. I honestly didnt care to call Joker bear. My best friend meant so much more to me. And he called me back that next morning, left his house and came to me. And you could say the rest was history. But its not.
I became pregnant In November that year. Right after I turned 21. We were married in March. I was sooo sick with Mr B. The worst case of morning sickness. That lasted all day.. Everyday..until I delivered him in July. We had moved into a apartment in one of the shittiest areas, because it was cheap. Friendly bear(who is about to become papa bear) had his truck broken into within the first week we lived there. It was awful. I met the lady who lived above us and we became friends. It was nice to have a friend besides Friendly bear. July came quickly. And now Papa bear and I.. were fighting a lot. I was so tired. Tired from being pregnant, then tired from having a newborn I had no idea what to do with. Then Mr B got sick, ended up in the hospital. No One could tell us what was really wrong with him. And I was ready to fall over. I was so stressed, tired.. you name it. That I had to walk away. I left Papa Bear, took Mr B with me and went to my moms to stay. That lasted all of a couple weeks. This would happen.. 4 times.. in 3 years of marriage.
I finally found a job. And during the long searches.. I found not many would hire.. Someone like me
A year of living in that craphole, we moved to a nicer apartment. But it was tiny.. Super tiny. I hated it. Upstairs. WHen you have a baby who is starting to learn to walk.. Stairs and balconies are scary. Papa Bear and I were working so much, spending less time together. And fighting more. I really wanted out. I did not know how to fix it so I was ready to give it up. So once more Im out the door, loaded up even more stuff. And said bye...Of course a few weeks later, papa bear swearing he would change, I came back. This lasted into our next place.. a trailer.. And you guessed it. Everything didnt change. It just got worse. So I walked away again. This time.. for a lot longer..
Changes
10th Grade....
Summer passed and here I was moving to 10th grade in yet another school..This time is was just high school. And well I still had my joker bear and friendly bear. We spent the summer hanging out, working(yes we all worked together) and playing in our lil garage punk band.Also did a lot of drinking. (yeah I admit it) Joker bear and I had our problems. Friendly bear and I talked all the time. I still loved joker. I loved friendly..And well.. I think we had a relationship no one understood but lots envied. We were a team. We made it through 10th grade with minimal problems. Joker bear and I broke up because he wanted..well he wanted to try out a gal pal of mine...And believe me it hurt. We got back together. And well things were the same. Joker kept me laughing when the family stuff overwhelmed me. Friendly held me when I hurt. Home was rough for me so when I could get out of confinement ...I was with them. I really think they held me together when I was falling apart. I envied the life they had. And pretended a lot to be parts of both their families. I was their unstable friend. The cutter. The one on medication. The one whose mom beat her.. And when I was with them and either of their families.. I think it was the only time I relaxed. By the time summer hit signaling the end of 10th grade, I was getting sick of being at home and spent more time out than in. I was dreading the summer..Thankfully it seemed to pass quickly.. I spent as much time with Friendly and Joker as I could. Working. Went and got my first tattoo(at 16 years old) that joker was MAD about.. Because the tattoo guy had to touch my boob LOL. And well little did I know 11th grade would come so soon..and my life would change.....
11th grade....
It started ok...Within a couple months, friendships were strained, Joker and I were arguing all the time. Friendly was picking up the pieces.. Joker and I would make up. Friendly took me to get my drivers license. I was so mad at myself for loving 2 guys..confused.... And my homelife was about to get a lot worse... Th week before Christmas my siblings and I were called into a so called family meeting....When we were asked what we thought of our oldest sibling moving back home...He was kicked out when I was 12 years old for rape and molestation of myself and 2 sisters...And believe me we did not want him there. I was the angry one. Always the angry one. so plate hit the ground and I went to screaming. And I said if he moves in I move out...And on Christmas Eve..Hes living back in the house... By the time we were back in school after that break I was a wreck. I started fighting with Joker and Friendly. I was the meanest I had ever been. Joker didnt want to hear it. He was ready for me to be gone so he could try out someone different. Friendly wouldnt let me go. And well...Friendly and I ended up together...For a month or 2. I started every fight. I knew I was leaving. I knew I couldnt stay here and the only way to do it was to piss everyone off at me and run away. I started taking a lot of pills. Pretty much anything I could get my hands on. One way or another I was either killing myself or making it where I couldnt feel at all. And before the end of March.. Dropped out of school..I said goodbye..Got in my car with someone who didnt give a crap about me...and was gone....
12th grade....On the run
Now I wish I could say I was here for this.. I wasnt...You see when I jumped into that car of mine I was 17 years old. And at that time my parents decided to put out a stolen vehicle report to find me. Well they found me a few days later in Missouri. But did not get to keep me. The officer listened in on the phone call and found that the report was only made to find me and that I was going to be beat when they got me back. The conversation wasnt a nice one. And as soon as we hung up...The officer told us to go. For the next couple weeks we walked and walk. Sometimes got people to give us rides. I was so sick. Ready to give up. When a officer in Kentucky saw us walking around 2am..he picked us up and hauled us in for being out after curfew( yeah saying we were not from there didnt work lol) So spent a bit in a juvie center before they flew me back to here. Have no idea where the person I was with was at. He came a few hours after me. I dont remember being on the planes at all. But I wasnt home for 24 hours when I walked out the door..And that would be the last time for the next few years I would see this state. Because a couple days later I was sitting in jail. My partner liked to steal cars. And well dummy me got in. And busted. For the next 3 and a half years, I was stuck. Well and truly stuck. I was convicted of stealing cars. I was bitter and angry. I couldnt believe I was just put in prison for being in a passenger seat. But guilty I was because I KNEW it was stolen. And while he would spend the next 4 years getting out and coming back. I spent 3 and a half years stuck in hell. Alone...
Prison.. Not for the weak
For the next 3 and a half years, I grew as a person. I got counseling to overcome the rapes and molestation I endured when I was younger. I wasn't bitter anymore. I got my GED. It took me a year and a half to get over the anger and start working with the program instead of against it. I actually was proud of myself. I wont say that time was a party, because it wasn't. It was hell. I was miserable. I hated that I was stuck somewhere by being a follower. But.. I had to honestly GET OVER IT. Own up. And grow up.
HOME AGAIN
I came home a couple months before I turned 21. Called Friendly Bear as soon as I got back to Oklahoma. He was not home. So I worried through the night that I may have lost my best friend. I honestly didnt care to call Joker bear. My best friend meant so much more to me. And he called me back that next morning, left his house and came to me. And you could say the rest was history. But its not.
I became pregnant In November that year. Right after I turned 21. We were married in March. I was sooo sick with Mr B. The worst case of morning sickness. That lasted all day.. Everyday..until I delivered him in July. We had moved into a apartment in one of the shittiest areas, because it was cheap. Friendly bear(who is about to become papa bear) had his truck broken into within the first week we lived there. It was awful. I met the lady who lived above us and we became friends. It was nice to have a friend besides Friendly bear. July came quickly. And now Papa bear and I.. were fighting a lot. I was so tired. Tired from being pregnant, then tired from having a newborn I had no idea what to do with. Then Mr B got sick, ended up in the hospital. No One could tell us what was really wrong with him. And I was ready to fall over. I was so stressed, tired.. you name it. That I had to walk away. I left Papa Bear, took Mr B with me and went to my moms to stay. That lasted all of a couple weeks. This would happen.. 4 times.. in 3 years of marriage.
I finally found a job. And during the long searches.. I found not many would hire.. Someone like me
A year of living in that craphole, we moved to a nicer apartment. But it was tiny.. Super tiny. I hated it. Upstairs. WHen you have a baby who is starting to learn to walk.. Stairs and balconies are scary. Papa Bear and I were working so much, spending less time together. And fighting more. I really wanted out. I did not know how to fix it so I was ready to give it up. So once more Im out the door, loaded up even more stuff. And said bye...Of course a few weeks later, papa bear swearing he would change, I came back. This lasted into our next place.. a trailer.. And you guessed it. Everything didnt change. It just got worse. So I walked away again. This time.. for a lot longer..
Changes
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