Wednesday, December 26, 2012


Looking back at this year, makes me feel like I have been on a non stop roller coaster. The ups werent many and the downs were plenty. But over all the changes, well, they were good. Mostly.

In this year, I have contemplated divorce. counseling, even a insane home for myself lol. I have thought about full time work, finding a job I can do from home, or sitting here. I threatened to throw my husband off a bridge if GOOD changes didnt happen..  And this is how my year went....

January-May.... Ready to pull my hair out. Husband was being a jerk due to stress and life. Bear haad to have surgery, Mr B flailing through school and not doing well. Money getting tighter and I swore by May I should have been bald.
June-July--Things start looking up. Papa Bear is finally not on my nerves..much. He FINALLY gets a new job(No throwing him of the bridge now) And we are now tossing around the idea, and decided on homeschooling again. The thought of going back to public school has the kids so stressed out they are having trouble sleeping. Major changes going on..
August-October-- Im still ready to run away lots of days, but the good ones are getting more and more. Papa Bear is settling into the new job better. Homeschooling is a little bumpy, but we are making it. September rolls around and Im served with foreclosure papers.. And thats when everything hits the fan. too many months of stress has taken its toll and I decide to go about life as a single mom even with the husband still in the house. I cry more than I should. Then finally I give in and see what we can do to fix these problems.. We begin to work together. I also decide to start writing a book.
November-December-- My birthday in November is nothing to write about. It was hell. My promised weekend of relaxation turns into argument central. I finally realize my family has taken me for granted too long. Im done. Instead of being a martyr I decide they must learn how to do things on their own. And they also have to learn that I need my space to breathe on occasion.. Writing hasnt been going so well for me because I have seemed to turn the males of the house into infants.. Yep time to put a halt to all of that. Papa Bear and I have some majorly long talks. And come to the conclusion that yes, they can do things without me and shouldnt always rely on me to do everything for them and I should not always be at beck and call. Things start to smooth out as Christmas comes near. And during the Christmas holidays, I find that I love my family again. Ok I always loved them. They just made me nuts. haha. But we spent a super relaxed couple days together and there was no arguing at all with anyone. Kids LOVED all their presents and so did the hubs and I. It was honestly one of only a couple we have done for each other. Papa Bear and I smile, and remember.. Its been one hell of a year... But we made it.. And we will be ok.

Friday, November 30, 2012

Is time flying by?

Seems like everytime I sit down, a week has gone by. With the holidays around, and gymnastics, and all the changes and stresses...Seems like the days have flown past me at the speed of light. Just 2 weeks ago we were headed to Arkansas for Bears first gymnastics meet. He was sick. The asthma flared its ugly head and turned into bronchitis. He hacked up a storm, gurgled in his sleep, breathing treatments galore...That Saturday he looked like death worn over. No where near his normal energy level. We worried about him even trying to compete. Needless to say(and you saw the pictures I hope) he placed in all events. Now, none of will say he gave his best performance ever..He didn't  he knew he didn't  but he felt like crap. And competed anyway. When most of us would have laid in bed whining. He got up, put on his uniform, tried to eat some breakfast, grabbed his bag, and out the door. Miserable.

Now, today, he competes again. This time at home, and he says hes ready to give it his all. He has pushed himself this week to perfect what he can. Im pretty proud of my little bear. Watching him during a private lesson this week, I saw the determination to get it right. I saw him get mad at himself when it wasn't. But instead of giving up, he tried over and over and over. Today,for the first time in front of family and friends, he will strut his stuff. We have friends that were super excited and ready to come see him, family that have never seen him like this. He is a little nervous about this, but Im betting he will do fine. And of course I will be taking pictures and video!

Now, school has been a little rough going again. I think the break has them just really not wanting to do it. But they are, begrudgingly, but they are getting it done, and their grades seem to be showing it. So maybe Im doing something right there.

The daily stresses seem to get worse. Money issues are killing me. Tired of stressing out over everything. Especially with the holidays. Worried about the house, and everyone wanting the dimes I dont have. Papa Bear working a new job, making things better, but they arent because it was a minute to late on somethings. And so now we are just sitting and waiting, and hoping... Unsure of which way to go next. My nerves have been shot, and at times I feel super lost. Trying to not take away the kids activities, because they worked so hard, and had to wait so long just for us to be able to swing it, but swinging anything is hard right now. Im trying to stretch a dollar till it breaks. And screwing up because I realize we need more because of the cost of everything that has gone up. Seems like a never ending cycle. Im determined to not give up even though it feels like it would be so much easier. We will see.

Anyways, Im off of the computer once again to get some stuff done. Its been a mess around here with how busy we have been, the house shows it. Bye all!!

Thursday, November 15, 2012

Takin a trip

Going to MIA for just a day or two, then will be back with pictures galore. Bear is competing in his first gymnastics meet. Wishing him all the luck. Especially since hes sounding like his asthma is trying to give him a run for his money.

Monday, November 05, 2012

Rant.. Nahh I dont do that enough...

Yes this is a rant. And all you males take heed because I am officially flying off the handle.
Funny thing is Im not mad anymore, but I feel the need to still scream.
Im normally not one for celebrating anything for myself. Havent really celebrated my birthday in close to 20 years. But this year.. yep this year it was promised to me. I would have my birthday. I will be 35. I really dont have a problem stating my age, but hell.. Its a milestone for me. But, it wasnt to be celebrated. Instead it was turned into me being this horrible person. My feelings were hurt, I was called names. And generally treated like a piece of shit. My whole weekend went this route.

Im not some emotional, selfish, whiney person.. Ok so I want to be today for sure. Ive given up. There comes a time, where you just dont care anymore. Where you feel like you cease to matter. and yep, thats where I am. Of course the words spoken, cant replace the actions of this person who pretty much let me know Im worthless and dont matter. That I dont deserve one fuckin day a year, to not be the housekeeper, cook, taxi.. and the various other things I am 365 days a year. I dont matter. Its only everyone around me that matters, their feelings, their wants, their needs. Im just here to be the whipping post.

So, for all you people out here who decide your significant other isnt worth one god damn day. Let them go. Walk away.