Monday, January 09, 2012

Let the healing begin

The peace in this house needs to be restored. Its been in a uproar for far too long. Plus with so much hope for changes. Can not change anything until I just give in. So Im letting go of the mad.. Papa and I have always had a ok relationship. At times it was a lil rocky but for the most part its been pretty good. And for a couple years it was great(yes we all have our hills) I gave up months ago and that wasnt going to fix anything. If anything it was making it worse. Now as far as how Im letting it go.. I just am. Its to a point that I sat and thought a lot this weekend, and figured that if I didnt give in, life was going to stay at that stressful I hate everything spot. I had to think of the little things. Papa doesnt know how to express things through words. Never has. But through some actions he does. And I do see where there are times where he was trying and I was just too mad to care. And that wasnt fair to him. I realized he needed credit for trying.
Honestly...For a lot in life there are a lot of us that need to just let go. Im a fighter. Its my scorpio nature (excuses suuure..but true) I can hold a grudge for so long the grudge will still be there and I wont even know the exact reason why I got mad in the first place. I love with a passion. I hate with a vengeance. I like you or I dont. That is not to say my world is black and white. Its not.. Just my feelings are. But I cant hold all this. The pain I have felt over the past 6 months has been awful. And I held it. I held it tight like a shield. And it brought more pain. I took offence to everything. because I was afraid. It actually sucks to put it out there that I was afraid. Most people think I am never afraid. Im the strong one, the fixer....And In the past 6 months I havent been strong, nor have I tried to fix anything. I wasnt giving it a chance. 
For everything else.. I miss my joker bear but that stopped hurting. I realized where I stand on that. And thats ok. Theres not much friendship left in it either. Maybe someday I will have that balance again. Just not with the joker. Sucks but not everyone can handle life this way. And once again thats fine. Everyone is entitled to their own feelings. Im sure as time goes on joker and I will talk less and less(not that much now) when its finally nothing. Sad because I have known joker since I was 14..And well I hate to lose lol. But its a battle I already lost.
The kids have so much going on I havent had much time to think. And I realize here in a couple months its going to get even busier so Im gonna enjoy this part now before it gets REALLY insane. A new vehicle is in the plans which will make all of this a LOT easier. Need to get some work done on our car. And we are really hoping for new job opportunities in the near future. Time to let go of that negative crap that I didnt want to start this new year with and get to working on the positive :D 
Enjoy you day!!! 

No comments: