Those who actually KNOW us in the non cyberspace type of know...Know its been a stressful year in many different ways. I dont openly talk about what it actually going on. I mean..its not like people cant tell, because I honestly have a tendency to wear my heart on my sleeve. My emotions written across my face. Things that have been wrong are slowly getting better. Im having to just let go of the hurt and anger. Because after many months of waiting, I find its never going to be explained to me of the WHY I was put in that situation. I dont handle being lied to and I take that hard. So after so long of waiting on answers..Im never going to get them. Yes that hurts. A lot. But nothing will get back on track if I dont say screw it and stop waiting for the why.
Im still uncomfortable. I have major issues with trust and when its broken I climb into my box and probably wont ever come out of it completely again. Which is sad. I hate knowing im this way. But have no idea how to just open my heart and let it get broken again. Its hard for me to actually talk. Because when I do most of it will come out in anger. With the hurt attached. Im disappointed. Its so hard to sort this all out when I feel like Im trying to fix something on my own...that I didnt even break.
I miss papa bears and my openness with each other. I miss my joker bear who stays far away now for reasons I cant explain. I miss laughing. I miss REALLY laughing. Not just the kid did something funny laugh. I miss sharing my heart with those who mattered the most. I miss not feeling so alone.
There are moments in time I forget. I look at papa bear and see what I saw at the beginning. But then I remember and my heart breaks again.
There are moments in time that I look back and remember being really happy and I smile. Then I look at the now and I try to hold the tears in.
Things are getting better..But honestly its because Im numb. Im trying NOT to feel. NOT to think.. NOT to hurt.
Im gonna try everyday to let go. And maybe one day it will be gone. Its hard without the answers I needed..But I needed them so long ago those answers no longer hold water anyway.
Ahhhh ready for a new year to begin and hope that its WAY better than this one has been.