My birthday is over. Im officially 34. I spent most the day crying because no one cared..Oh dont get me wrong facebook let everyone know it was the day and I got plenty of wishes online..But once again only the friend we spend holidays with came over. I feel lonely. Im hoping before Thursday my spirits lift. Im tired of being tired and want for once to see this holiday cheer.
Monday, November 21, 2011
I am NOT a holiday person..Dont get me wrong..I think the dinners are wonderful, Christmas lights are nice to look at. But I hate this time of year. To me its not a time to give thanks. Or a time to sit around with family with all the joy to the world stuff. To me its stress. Watching the greed of others. Seeing the demons in the kids. My kids act worse this time of year. Our family is really not close to us(on either side) Going to the stores just to buy basic groceries feels like a battle. I look around me and I dont see the joy. It is really sad. Maybe its because at this time of year it seems if shits gonna hit the fan it will. And has already begun. We normally do thanksgiving with a close friend. Because well..For 12 years thats the only person who has really given a crap about us. Shes been sick so right now I have no clue what we are doing. Christmas dinner I normally do. Im not ready. I have been slowly getting small christmas gifts for the small bears in the house. But once again it will be a day of WHY didnt we get this and this and this. And it does bother me. My kids are honestly grateful for getting anything but I know it bums them out when 99% of their friends own a Wii and we still dont lol. Hell I havent made it past a reg Xbox and PS2. Its ok. We dont need that crap because I really dont like the bears sitting in front of a screen all day. But I just get bummed because damnit sometimes I DO want to do good by them. I want to be the cool mom! The stress of this year has pulled me down so far that its hard for me to see some light at the end of the tunnel. I really hope soon I find it because I hate feeling so miserable. I miss my joker bear and his son. I miss being able to smile. I miss the relationship Papa Bear and I had before all the crap with his job not to mention other stuff. Finding each other again is a long process.