And here I am posting my parenthetic crap on a blog no one reads...
Tuesday, October 25, 2011
Trying to find my way
Somedays its just too damn hard to think. Today is one of those. Now see.. I share a lot about the kiddos and all the things they do(some bad..Most the time I WANT to show the good. Not dwell on the crap that happens in life. But lately I have struggled. Struggled with my feelings, with making life the best it can be. I have always tried my hardest to make everyone around me happy. The sacrifice is on me though. Am I happy? Right now..no. Im not. Im sad, torn, feeling betrayed, lost, lonely, feeling abandoned in a storm...You name it thats where I am. I have tried and tried to make where Im standing be the right spot. And these past couple months I feel its time to give up. Im not making anyone happy. I feel like a failure as a mother, a wife, a friend...I cant find time to take care of me anymore. Im so busy aking sure the hubs is happy, the kids are shuffled to and fro, being always available no matter when people call or for what ever they need. But where did I go? WHO am I? It seems I am always available for others, but none are available for me. Does that sound pathetic? yup. Because I never expected anything in return. But right now Im feeling resentful. Why is it that I can bust my arse all day trying to keep a house nice, making sure dinner is on the table kids homework done, kids ready for activities...And I never expect hubs to help. Or kids to even cooperate? 12 years of marriage and now Im resentful. I feel like all I have done, I have done for nothing. The happiness is in shambles. I am in shambles.