Relaxed??? Why yes!

I can not even begin to really explain the stress from the last 6 years. Papa Bears job had him stressed all the time. And ya know when men are stressed, they are GRUMPY! And we have dealt with this for so long, it had become the norm. Short on patience. Not mean or anything, just grumpy. The last post was about the fact he finally walked away from the chosen career and entered a completely new field...(No need to repeat that now) It was really hard for him to do this. Hes never walked away like this before. But he did it. I have waited 6 years for this(the first 4 years there were actually pretty good, its the last 6 that weren't) Thursday night, he was very quiet. Lots of things to process in his brain. We were super busy over the weekend, putting in a drip system for my garden, putting wood floor in neighbors house, other lawn work, grocery shopping, cleaning of house and garage....Ok you get the point. Monday started with normal nervousness. Being the new guy is hard. But Tuesday he was much better and ok with the choice. But the major thing I have noticed since Thursday... Was how relaxed he is. I mean, its a HUGE difference. Hes very pleasant to be around LOL. Not so wound up. Its been great! And hes starting to like the place he is now. Of course you know being new, The first day is always the roughest. Meeting people and proving you are capable. Once thats done, its good to go. And yesterday was much better for him there. They are hoping to train him well and move him into a different position that does mean more pay(unlike where he came from where they make you do a ton more and refuse to pay you more..The difference between utilize and use...) Its already been a shock to us in just a few days at how well this place treats their people. Im really looking forward to the days to come. Its been great so far. And theres also the good thing that I may be able to be home full time in the next 6 months. :D I was thinking I had to do this another year. And MAYBE I have 6 months or less!!! ANd that will free up our nights. Because it kinda does suck to run right after he gets home for kids activities and THEN go to my job. Get that done and get home... theres not much time left to just sit.

Add onto all of this, Im trying to also start working out more often. I have a exercise bike of sorts as well as a treadmill. Plus a tower that you can do many different exercises on. I need to get in shape(at the same time still in my makeover business lol...Ok Im not doing so well in that spot, I guess I will feel more up to doing that part if I was happier with my body shape. Im trying to get the kids doing this as well. (this has been a work in progress for the past year.)  I go to the ankle foot doc today and we will see what he says about my ankle. The darn thing still hurts. Im not sure what this says(Probably brace for longer..) Sucky part is this is the last time I can go to the doc for the next few months. And with that, I also will have to start on the deductible again.. So I think Im gonna have to wait on that till January and hope this doc can just give me a rough estimate on how long I am expected to hurt, wear the brace and when I can take it off... Until I can go back to him in 6 months lol. We will see. Most the time they dont want you to get that info. Ok off to put the brace back on, and get some cleaning done!!

1 more day!!

Till I get Mr B back. He left for Summer encampment on Friday the 8th. I didnt miss hims AS much this time. But Im really starting to. Hes already been injured once(last Saturday) and I am assuming fine now. They have been such busy bees this week from what I hear. Lil Bear is getting a lil stir crazy with out his brother here for this long. A couple days ago he started being a super pest. Although I am sure they will be arguing by Saturday night lol. Its a long drive to Mr B and a long ride back. We would have stopped to camp with the neighbors but we have another cadet to bring home so we cant. And then I would have to figure out what to do with a dog... Plus Mr B is probably going to be toooo tired. Im excited to go get him and hear about all the stuff they did.
Im in day 3 of a ankle brace. I hate it. Miserable achy hate it. Went to the foot and ankle doctor..finally after MANY years of putting it off) and found that I have tendinitis. And that I have to wear a brace for at least a month to straighten my foot and make the tendon stretch and grow so that I wont continue to walk on the side of my foot. I hate this thing(have I said that already?) During the stretching process its VERY uncomfortable. Im waiting on a med to be delivered that is topical that is supposed to also have a numbing agent in it so I can walk better and with a little less pain. I want to get back on the treadmill again and start getting back in shape. I was doing so well there for awhile. Im afraid of screwing up the left ankle as well with the way I have been depending on it to hold me upright and bear the brunt of each step. And its not that strong. I mean Im not overweight or anything(ok Im about 20 lbs over lol), its just still a lot of weight to be put on a already weak ankle. But doc says its not nearly as bad as the right side so it should be fine...(hes not walking on it) But add on he also did a procedure on the bottom of my left foot lol. Yeah not comfy.
Anyways we are still on the wishing front for hubs to get a new job. He found this morning he didnt get the one he thought he was going to. And it has him pretty bummed. But hes back on the looking front so we will keep holding onto hope that something good will come.
Lil Bear is doing well in his gymnastics. Working hard to get ready for moving up. I think due to money issues we will try again for competing May of next year. Plus it gives that year to fine tune everything and get even better. I want him super confident in himself anyway. And hes not all the way there yet.
Ok off to take a nap. :) if the lil bear will let me lol

Changes in the home

After having a long conversation with a friend I wish I lived closer to, about the kids and chores and responsibilities..About my lack of patience lately with it all. About how I wish for my boys to grow up and be productive parts of society..And know how to live on their own....I got some REALLY good advice. And have a lot of things to think about.
You know I just did a post about chores. About the things I want my boys to know how to do. The one thing I didnt touch upon is cooking. Yup.. My boys are about to make a foray into the kitchen. We used to have the boys in the kitchen whenever one of us cooked. And kinda let it go a few years back. And I realize what a disservice it is to them. And to me. Some people might think its wrong(Yeah I dont care) Others will be like.. WAY TO GO(yeah I care heehee who doesnt like pats on the back) But how many of you women would like a man who can cook??? (I have my hand raised HIGH in the air waving it back and forth) Ok so I dont because it would be impossible to type. And the fact that Papa Bear does know how to cook..Now..And most things.......My hubs cant fry a egg. And I think has made pancakes once, heck NEVER has he made french toast. And there are lots of things that frustrate me when it comes to the kitchen. But not nearly as much as they used to. You see I remember 13 years ago when papa could not cook hardly anything. But over the years he has learned. And my goodness that man can make a lasagna to die for. (and not from frozen) OMG Im gonna put that on the menu right now for him to make. Now he helps me a lot. I love it. More times than not papa bear can make the dinner and I can sit here typing away. But the point of this loooonggg drawn out post is, MY KIDS CANT COOK!! During my conversation with my awesome friend, I was jealous of her lol. Her kids are all younger than my oldest. And they can cook almost anything. I agree with the logic. When the kids grow up you want them to be able to handle life. TO cook for themselves to be able to pay their bills, because we all know we do want these kiddos to move out eventually..So starting today(yes today not waiting another minute) Im bringing my kids back in the kitchen. Starting easy. Because soon I will have a young adult on my hands. And then a couple years later I will have another one. And as young adults they should have more responsibilities. They should learn to function. I cant count how many times I have stood over a stove cooking with a horrid headache. Or feeling like a truck ran me over.. When they were old enough to make something simple. So tonight I will have both boys start in the kitchen cooking with me.
Thats step 1. In that step it is bringing them into the kitchen with me.
Step 2 will be giving them easy meals to cook ON THEIR OWN.
Step 3 will be giving them one night a week they cook dinner.
I also want to work on teaching them to make desserts. Hey I want some brownies sometimes and dont wanna make them myself.
We are also in the process of redoing the chore lists. Because well.. they get bored. And it seems I will be up cleaning etc and they will be playing video games. So many changes because part of me hasnt been really letting these kids grow. Maybe trying to keep them a lil longer as kids. Not wanting them to feel like slaves. But its realizing .... if your working WITH them.. they wont feel that way :D ANd they will learn. Off to the kitchen. Time to teach some boys so that when they grow up they wont be coming to my house every night for dinner!!!

SUMMER!!!

Summer did officially begin for us a couple weeks ago. But we have yet to enjoy it completely lol. We are fighting with a pool. Bought it last year, used it 2 months, And it began to leak. Im sure most people wouldnt see a leak if it was nothing but grass around it. But since ours is right by concrete. It ran and ran and ran. The hard plastic on the ladder feet is not a good idea. As it scratches and tears. But holy crap, If Im gonna spend a couple hundred bucks on a pool, I expect it to last longer than a couple months. So this year so far we have put it up, Place MULTIPLE(ok we are at 6) patches, A couple of them are patched twice.(3 times if you count the patch attempt with the piece of crap patches that Intex puts with its cheaply made pools that we tried last summer). Im so irritated its not even funny. My kids have been waiting weeks to try it out after missing out on it at the end of summer last year. We bought a new patch kit. And read online how others got them to work...ANd my only thing is.. ITS NOT WORKING!! Last year we had to drain this thing quite a few times. And this is not a small pool. This is one of those big ones with the PVC poles to hold it up. Putting it together is simple. But be super careful because the bottom of it is some of the thinnest crap. So when trying to get it spread out to fill with water, treat it with kid gloves. Heck if you have a piece of plus carpet that fits under the whole thing. I recommend it. Something to cushion that flimsy bottom. Ok back to the problem at hand. Where I live weather can be a problem. And when you have the thing put up minus water waiting on all the patches to HOPEFULLY SET.. You have to be super careful of wind. You dont want it taking off like a flying saucer. Patch the stupid thing up. Put 6 inches of water in it for 24 hours to see if its gonna hold.. NOPE. Stupid piece of crap. Next listen to 2 kids throw fits because Im about to shoot the damn pool and put it and myself out of its misery. So drain that 6 inches of water, Patch same damn spots once again. Yes it hold for... oh.... a hour. Patching both the top and the under.. Again... And watch the weather that says yep more frikkin wind. So sitting here about to say screw it and see how far it would fly. I refuse to spend almost as much as I did on the pool itself to buy a new cheaply made liner. If the bottom was made out of the same thickness as the side you could actually use it for a lot longer. I had less problems with those 10 buck blow up pools when my kids were smaller. Ok going back out to curse the pool and HOPE these patches hold because we are expecting stong wind tonight so I HAVE to get enough water in it to hold the thing down. ANd if they hold.. it will be over a day of filling it and hoping that it doesnt take long to warm lol.

My Mind??? Have you seen it?

Today I feel like I have lost my mind lol. I have been insane these past few days. Yesterday was LAST DAY of school.(Can we say YAY??) But ended up hosting my mother here last night so I could take her to the hospital this morning for a angiogram. Sooooo at 8 am Im in a car heading to hospital, leave hospital to run back home to take dog out and grab a drink at 10:45 at 11:30 I am at the TV station when phone rings saying shes done, so I stay at station for almost a hour then head back to hospital.. Well they are still trying to get her to stop bleeding because she kept coughing causing the artery to open again. Soooo at 1:30 I leave hospital to get food(ummm yeah forgot to eat) Back at hospital by 2. (My stomach is NOT happy about sucking down nasty mcdonalds that quick) Leave hospital again around 2:30 to come home and wait for a few more hours because she has to pass a walking test at 430, and be able to leave at 5:30. SUPPOSEDLY she should be ready at the door at 5:30 because I have to rush back home in rush hour traffic, to get my own self to work right after 6, Mr B needs to be dropped off at 630 for a CAP thing, and I have to finish 2 buildings by 720 to pick Mr B up at 7:30.......ANd then back here to relieve a neighbor and Lil bear from mother duty. Thank goodness for the neighbor because Bear was scared to death to be here alone with her in case something happened. Tomorrow I can rest for the most part. Mother will be here until after lunch time when she can drive herself home. Then Saturday we will be with Mr B starting at 8am-1pm helping with cadets and keeping them fed and entertained....And running home for bear to change clothes to get in his gymnastics for his mini meet, then back home to get redressed in nice clothes for a graduation at 6:30pm. I may not leave my bed on Sunday even though hubs wants to go to the Zoo HAHAHAHAH... Now excuse me while I fall over from the insanity..

Almost over!

4 days. (not counting weekend) 4 whole whoppin days till school is out. I cant wait!!! I have no plans for the summer so you would think I wouldnt be excited. But holy cow Im ready for sleeping past 6am. Im ready to not beg kids to get out of bed. Im also ready for refresh time. I am sure the kids are too. My weeks will get a little busier, but most of it in the evenings so Im ok with that.
Papa Bear still looking for better job, Mr. B is still trying to move up the ladder in CAP. And Im waiting to order his new rack of ribbons because he should be getting another one soon and I REFUSE to buy a new set in a week or 2.
Papa Bear and I ... are slowly coming together. Its been hard. And for those of you who have been there, hang in!! i understand. Im still having some melt downs because...well Im not one that trusts easy so I question everything. And Im trying to let go, but it is easier said than done. And well, I know it all wont happen overnight. I feel short tempered all the time and it is even making me crazy!
 Right now Im just trying to get this house completely cleaned and in order before kids are home again full time. Easiest way to get rid of things are when they are not here :)
I am still coughing my head off. Over 2 weeks of this crud and Im sick of it. Cottonwood.. I hate this tree. Every year we all get horrible allergies over it. Mr B even called from school yesterday because it was causing him to have a horrible headache.  My coughing is better, (because its not constant) but still doing it often enough that its choking me up! blech. Ok off to continue to clean this mess! (and getting laundry changed out on the line)

Positive???? Please???

We are still waiting on job word. I wish it wouldn't take so long. Hate sitting on pins and needles. So lets all cross fingers and hope for a phone call today :).
Bear did not move up in gymnastics. Which is ok. Hes really not ready, but he was completely bummed. I did not think he wanted to move up that bad. With all the crap hes been through this year I am not surprised he didnt. He hasnt had constant practice. But its all right. He will work harder this next year and maybe then we will all be ready(I will admit I wasnt ready for all that either)
I am sick.. again. I swear Im sick of being sick. Started as allergies and turned into a killer chest and head cold. SO I am in day..4 or 5 of feeling like crap. Add on I stopped taking the Yaz pills because they really were not doing what they should have. Not wasting money on it if its not doing what I need(no not the birth control part lolol Im sure that worked, I wouldnt know Papa Bear is fixed ;) )So Im miserable from the top of my head to my feet. Trying to get better but cant stop going like the energizer bunny over these kids. haha.
I think that may be a complete update on the whole house.......If not blame it on the brain fill with snot...

Changes..better

In the past couple week, there have been many changes in the bear house. We actually have communication back up and running again. Its been a really long now almost 8 months. But it looks like things are finally coming together. Papa Bear and I have many heart to hearts. Hes being strong during my weakness. Holding me tight when I want to run. And becoming the rock he used to be. Its still hard for me to trust this will continue, but life without him...I just dont think I could. The small bears in the house are learning as well. We have had some long conversations about being a family as well as a team. And while I am sure it will be a struggle there for awhile.. I am sure it will even out too. Papa bear has taken responsibility for the finances that went wrong. And has picked up a 2nd job to try to fix the debts. Its a huge step for him. And it is showing me he wants to work on the things that went wrong. 13 years of marriage is hard to throw away. But sometimes like he said a kick in the arse every now and then to remind whats important is sometimes necessary. So thats what we will be doing. We are working at so many things at the same time that you do get overwhelmed. Right now in our relationship its communication. Trying to find each other again. Finances.. its taking on more jobs and paying the stuff that got behind to catch it up. With the kids. Its reestablishing the line of authority, but also the team. Papa Bear has taken a active roll in being a dad more now than ever. Playing catch, basketball, even going to the school for functions while I work(which I dont think hes ever done alone) He is also being consistent..Which was a huge hurdle. And I think he finally realized how it was undermining me and disrespecting me when he went behind my back with the kids and let them do things I took away. And hes also come to realize...Nothing is easy. It takes work. And I think that now we can mend. And for that I am grateful.

13 years gone by

Well.. I think my tears are done falling. Im not sure I have any left. Friday was my 13 year wedding anniversary and it went by with more sadness that smiles. Its been such a rough year I couldnt even fake a happy smile. Healing needs to be done. But has to be done from both directions. A day I should be happy was filled with nothing but sadness.
Papa bear wanted to take me out Saturday. But it was canceled due to lil bear needing to go to the ER and well he really isnt up to being at someone elses house. But its ok. Im glad that something was planned because at least I was more than a after thought this year. But it wont be rescheduled. I hate feeling like Im being pitied. Or because Im upset its time to make me feel special. Some talking was done today. But it may be years, if we can make it that long, before things get even back to 90% of what they were. I am not very hopeful. My hope started dying months ago. Bear with me while I dont update because no one should need to read the negativity my life has become full of. I just need to work on me. I cant make someone love me, or make them find me special. I can only find out if I can love myself again..

One foot in front of the other..

Everyday is a struggle. Im so tired that I dont seem to function. I think its more of a emotional tired. And add on I still cant seem to sleep through the night. Menu wasnt planned this week so Im winging it. Theres plenty of food. Just have to find the energy to fix it. Tonight was pork chops. Found a marinade at Aldi that we tried and YUM. I will be buying more lol. Some days are better than others. I just have to find me again and then it will all be well.
I also realized that on Friday it will be our 13 year wedding anniversary. And once again we are probably not doing anything. Normally I wouldnt be so bitter, but after this past year, Im hitting a point Im sick of not celebrating. And it makes me hate them even more. Every holiday or special day that goes by I get more and more irritated. I hate always planning everything to try to make it special to have it blow up in my face because Im mad about doing it all and wishing that someone else cared enough to plan something as well. I normally laugh it off with the I dont care attitude but damnit I do care. 13 years... and lets remember it come thursday night and try to throw something together just showing me how unimportant it is..
Ok I swear I normally dont bitch so much as I have the past months...But heck Im just worn out. Im begging for life to get better...

Waiting on tax money!!

I will admit I AM NOT the most patient person in the world....And since I have waited what seems like forever Im ready to crawl out of my skin. I want a reliable vehicle that I LIKE(ok so as everyone tells me the truck is not bad I JUST DONT LIKE IT) And last year we had to use the tax money to put a new heat and air system in the house(when I WAS going to get me a car I liked....) And I had waited for 6 months when that went out so I knew for the next 6 I wasnt getting the car I sooo hoped for. Now a year later its almost in my grasp. We should have it next week, and IMMEDIATELY I am going car shopping. All the kids cant wait either. I pick up what I like to call the Jr High crew most days after school and climbing in my extended cab truck has been a PITA. Fitting 3 teens(preteen and teens whatever) into a truck shouldnt be hard...But it is. They have to squeeze in and its a pain. They cant wait till I have a mini van they can just hop in. Needless to say I cant wait to have one either lol. I will be able to fit more people in and if I have longer trips to do then it will be roomy enough that it will be a more comfy ride for all involved. PLUS I CANT WAIT for cloth seats...My truck has vinyl seats....Yup you guessed it.. In the winter your butt freezes within a second of sitting.. And in the summer you get blisters on your arse and legs lol. I will NEVER buy anything leather or vinyl seated EVER again. 

My kids are ready for A/C that works and heat that heats faster than in 15 minutes lol. My truck has a temper, its like me.. LOATHES the cold. so when its super cold it fights to start. lol Im ready for those days to be over. 

Ok so enough about my vehicle complaints. Im just READY for a mini van (soccer mom status here I come)

On another note my joker bear and I have been talking again. I miss the fire out of him and the way he can make me forget my problems. SO its been nice to have him making me laugh again. Hes like my left arm.Hard to live without)  Papa Bear(my right arm) and I are talking more again as well. I can only stop and let a lot of things go in hopes of finding the peace again. The lil bear is sick and Mr B...well Mr B is doing a lil better. Its been a eventful week of emotions for me. Im finally letting my wall down and starting to smile more. During my awake moments. I have also been working overnights so sleeping all day. Had to rearrange doc appt etc for lil bear cuz I realized theres no way I can drive him all the way to the doctors office on 2 hours of sleep. But then had to make a appt for the dentist for him this week so that Papa Bear can take him. Lil Bears spacer is giving him trouble again. And so his mouth is swelling. If its not one thing its another ya know.

Off to find the house under the mess(I hope) or fall asleep(more likely) 

Respect

Respect...Something we all want to have. But seems to also be a thing of the past. You go into a store...You will find that it seems only the door greater and the cashier are decent(not everytime) You see the customers who only care about themselves. Running you over, not caring kids are there. Or you see kids that are HORRIBLE to everyone around them.

Can I say my kids are a exception?..Or am I one?? No.. When I go to a store I do get frustrated with others.I try to be mindful and yet others are rude. Which it turn..I get rude. My kids...Now for the most part with others they are very respectful We get told this all the time. With us.. Wow.. almost never. This is a issue we are trying to nip in the bud. And quickly. Mr B hasnt been very nice at all. And has stated he doesnt have to be respectful to me. So now its lesson time.. 

(Everyone disciplines differently and I love to hear your ideas lol)

My lovely Mr.B...ahhhh the kid who can warm your heart and then break it right after. Since returning from boot camp..Lets just say he seems to think I dont matter. What I say what I do...And the fact Im just the stupid mom I dont deserve....RESPECT.....Im not a officer so using the yes mam term does not apply to me...ahhh did this boy have it very very wrong. You see. Life bit him in the butt. And bit him hard. I was mad which is a understatement. And found though..hmmm I have the upperhand. I am the driver to where he needs to go. And he had a meeting last night. Guess who wasnt driving? that is right..Me. Using the old saying Dont bite the hand that feeds you rang good and true. He had no ride. And since I pay the phone bill he couldnt use it to find a ride. He missed his meeting, And I called his commander to let him know that and why. And he then had to go to work with me(explain this is a sec)

Papa Bear was not happy at all with Mr Bs decision. (Thats putting it lightly) So he added to the punishment. Missing one meeting isnt going to make a point with its multiple infractions is it? Since Mr B also seems to think I do nothing in this house(yes dishes laundry etc are done by faeries) He is now gaining a appreciation for all I do on a daily basis. He knows it is not womens work because even papa does laundry and dishes. Part of this is my fault because I do not make them do much around here. I really wanted them to just be kids. But I do expect help in the chores. It takes a matter of minutes when we all get to it. Normally while they are at school I get the laundry washed and dishes done etc. But right now I am getting a break. Mr B is finding out laundry doesnt come clean on its own and dishes dont wash themselves either. As for the going to work with me....

I work to pay for the kids activities. I work a very small PT job 5 nights a week. And Mr B is now going to be helping me at least twice a week to work for his activities. Lil Bear has been helping me for the past 2 years. Mr B is learning(a lil late on my part) to work for what he wants. He also has to ask me to drive him where he needs to go. It is no longer assumed that I am available as his driver. He must ask in advance(even though I KNOW he has a meeting the same time and day every week) 

Does this sound horrible???  Nahhhhh Life isnt always pleasant. And for my lil cadet...hes learning this. And when he grows up, gets married. His wife will thank us that he knows how to operate a washing machine and washes dishes. He will also appreciate her much more. Because he will KNOW she worked hard. And to me.. that will be worth the stress of these days. 

Let the healing begin

The peace in this house needs to be restored. Its been in a uproar for far too long. Plus with so much hope for changes. Can not change anything until I just give in. So Im letting go of the mad.. Papa and I have always had a ok relationship. At times it was a lil rocky but for the most part its been pretty good. And for a couple years it was great(yes we all have our hills) I gave up months ago and that wasnt going to fix anything. If anything it was making it worse. Now as far as how Im letting it go.. I just am. Its to a point that I sat and thought a lot this weekend, and figured that if I didnt give in, life was going to stay at that stressful I hate everything spot. I had to think of the little things. Papa doesnt know how to express things through words. Never has. But through some actions he does. And I do see where there are times where he was trying and I was just too mad to care. And that wasnt fair to him. I realized he needed credit for trying.

Honestly...For a lot in life there are a lot of us that need to just let go. Im a fighter. Its my scorpio nature (excuses suuure..but true) I can hold a grudge for so long the grudge will still be there and I wont even know the exact reason why I got mad in the first place. I love with a passion. I hate with a vengeance. I like you or I dont. That is not to say my world is black and white. Its not.. Just my feelings are. But I cant hold all this. The pain I have felt over the past 6 months has been awful. And I held it. I held it tight like a shield. And it brought more pain. I took offence to everything. because I was afraid. It actually sucks to put it out there that I was afraid. Most people think I am never afraid. Im the strong one, the fixer....And In the past 6 months I havent been strong, nor have I tried to fix anything. I wasnt giving it a chance. 

For everything else.. I miss my joker bear but that stopped hurting. I realized where I stand on that. And thats ok. Theres not much friendship left in it either. Maybe someday I will have that balance again. Just not with the joker. Sucks but not everyone can handle life this way. And once again thats fine. Everyone is entitled to their own feelings. Im sure as time goes on joker and I will talk less and less(not that much now) when its finally nothing. Sad because I have known joker since I was 14..And well I hate to lose lol. But its a battle I already lost.

The kids have so much going on I havent had much time to think. And I realize here in a couple months its going to get even busier so Im gonna enjoy this part now before it gets REALLY insane. A new vehicle is in the plans which will make all of this a LOT easier. Need to get some work done on our car. And we are really hoping for new job opportunities in the near future. Time to let go of that negative crap that I didnt want to start this new year with and get to working on the positive :D 

Enjoy you day!!!